Wednesday, August 27, 2008

It Still Stings


Hanging out with my friends on Saturday, my friend Kevin tells me that he noticed that several of his friends are also friending up with my estranged (9 years this Summer of not speaking) stepbrother Mark on Facebook. I went to check out his profile but it was locked.

Sunday there is a friend request from Mark in my email. Now did I accidentally request to be friends with him or was it just an odd coincidence? Don't know, don't care. There it is in front of me. Oddly enough though, I've lately been reflecting on the number 9, but that's an aside.

9 years ago Mark backed out as Best Man for my wedding while backing up his mother's claim that I'm literally a bastard child. Ouch!

Just over a year ago I dodged an encounter with him at a Rush show.

He has two kids and a wife and lives in a fairly wealthy part of the STL County.

What do you say when you read: "It's been too long. Lets get together and catch up."

This was my response:

Right now my heart says "yes" and my heart says "no".

Unfortunately things were said regarding my parentage a few years ago that can't be unsaid. I could likely disregard this, but there is still the spectre Millicent hovering around and the memory of her shoving Alessandra out the door and raging over a birthday cake while shrieking what a terrible son I was kind of bothers me. I still have the answering machine tape where she tells me that I'm a bastard son.

While hindsight shows that I was indeed young douchebag, it comes to my attention that I was doing the best I could with the complete lack of tools at my disposal. I have to work really hard to pick out good family memories. The result of which has left me very emotionally distant from nearly all of my family (immediate and in-laws).

The bottom line is that for all my faults and the responsibility I'm willing to take for messing up the family, at this time I can't disconnect you from Millicent, and I am very happy being disconnected from her.

BUT, when I say my heart says "yes" I'm not willing to close the door. I hear nice things about you both from time to time from people you know. I greatly appreciate the outreach, and I'm certainly willing to chat back and forth via facebook, but I don't think a get together is possible for the time being.

Like I said the door isn't closed, and I'm pass along our photo website, so you can see what we've been up to the past few years.

So far there has been no response.

I told my sister and she went apeshit because our step mother promising but not delivering us each $10,000 before she managed to drive us off from that part of our family.

Believe it or not the issue is not about money. That same year my mother's sister jerked me out of $30,000, and I still talk to her from time to time. Jesus 40,000 fucking dollars. That's where the title of the post comes from. I don't hold that grudge, but it still stings when I think about it. It's about something deeper that has no name. A lifetime of Familial longing and Rejection and in the end, it's me doing the rejecting to nearly all my family because I'm sick of being hurt.

Anyway, that's the story. Like Life, there is no clean ending here. Just another post in a long line of posts.


It does finally come down to one's own choice, which I have found very freeing. It is what is good for you.
I am quickly realizing there is not escaping the past. Some people let it possess and obsess them...some of us learn from and move on...sometimes easier said than done, I know.

I have been known to say that life would be great if it weren't for other people! You do what your heart tells you...they will either come around or they won't...fuck 'em.

You're right...no clean endings in life. And as Sandra said, it comes down to choice...timshel...a very liberating phrase!!!
Sandra and breve,

Thanks for your support.

breve: welcome to NTM. My Ashville, NC seems to have it's share of beautiful lipped erotic blog writing women.

Ladies, it's all about choice. One of the most liberating words of all is, "no". No wonder it's one of the first words spoken by a child.

Of course one of the most beautiful words is, "yes".

timshel niccccce.

Ghosts of the past: It's taken 4 years (but actually 6 days added up) to be able to go back to my college town and not walk through a hologram of my past and feel the pain of my first relationship betrayal nor the last of my responsibility free life.

Yes indeed breve: fuck 'em all!
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