Tuesday, April 01, 2008

I sent my sister off to look retarded...

Yesterday I get this email from my sister:
Hey there,

I am doing a discussion on cereals for kids tomorrow (long story, I will fill you in when I talk to you in person :-) ) I have to fill out a questionaire with really imaginative questions and needing imaginary answers for them. And you are the greatest at that my brother!! I am doing a discussion on fruit loops. I also had to pick 3 cereals from a list that my kids eat. I picked.... I have to write an obituary
for Cookie Crisp cereal!! These are the questions!

1. Died at what age and reason.
2. Most significant accomplishments or 3 highest points of their life.
3. Greatly missed for what?
4. Biggest failing or regret?
5. Broke what record at what age?

Yes, this is all related the cereal "Cookie Crisp" silly, huh?

I also have to make a collage with 4-5 items (not food related) with words or pictures. example: picture of
a sun == happiness..... for the 3 cereals I picked from the list that the kiddos eat- Cookie Crisp, Coco pebbles and cinnamon crunch toast. I also have to use non food imagery and words to symbolize the qualities that these 3 cereals have in common that I value!!

Uh, ok. I pictured my sister standing before a room full of 8 year olds. So after wracking my brains and looking up Cookie Crisp Cereal on Wiki, I realized Chip the Wolf had no redeeming qualities as does the cereal.

Chip was an unfriendly pooch (who no longer wore a mask) who would go around stealing cookie crisp from the elderly. Typically a kid would interfere on the grounds that cookies are not breakfast food and instead to alter his choice for an english muffin, but they would change their minds once Chip gave them a taste of his cereal.

Recent advertisement campaign

In 2003, Chip was radically redesigned, gaining a change in both attitude and species. He is now Chip the Wolf (originally known as Howler), a slim grey wolf in a red sweater and blue pants. Ironically, his new design seems to have come with a change back to his criminal ways-the new ads generally depict him trying to steal Cookie Crisp from children, just like Cookie crook, using various schemes but always coming up short. In this respect he is much like the Trix rabbit, or the Lucky Charms Leprechaun.

Jeeze, what can I say that she can say to a classroom of children? Kids like death and brutality in their stories of a Brother's Grimm quality. Yet I had to redeem Chip somehow.

So this is what I wrote:

1. Chip the Wolf died at age 27 from choking on his cereal. He ate too fast and didn't chew enough. You ever hear someone say, "He wolfed that down." when eating? They were referring to Chip. Unfortunately there was no one around who knew the Heimlich Maneuver.

2. 3 highest points of his life? First Little Pig, Second Little Pig, Third Little Pig.

3. All the other wolves thought Chip had a great howl. Cooooooookie Crisp! was very original, and far superior to the boring, "Aowwwwwww, Aow, Aow, Aowwwwwwww!"

4. Eating the 3 little pigs. While the greatest accomplishment was blowing down the brick house and eating the pigs, it was also the lowest when he found out that the pigs were actually quite nice. So Chip went off the meat forever and became a cereal-itarian which is like a vegetarian but eating cereal instead vegetables.

5. At age 15 Chip was the first wolf, to swim the Mississippi River while eating a pig. Since then other wolves have broken his record by eating more pigs per river crossing, but none have been any younger.

Rest in Peace Chip.

I get a phone call from my sister who has no idea what I'm talking about or who Chip even is and she knows "they" are going to ask her questions. So I explain about this thing called Wikipedia and rehash my story until she is cool with it. She tells me about the collage she's making and we discuss the importance of breakfast as the most important meal of the day and the difference between strength and endurance. Jeez, didn't she ever play D&D? Hello! Strength vs Constitution?.

Anyway, it comes out that she's NOT giving a presentation before a group of kids as I thought in her email: "I am doing a discussion on cereals for kids tomorrow", but she's going to some Market Research Company and give a presentation!

Oh man, I built this thing for 8 year olds, not marketing professionals. If she gives this pitch as I wrote it, she's going to come off looking like a total retard, ill equipped to add lib or extemporize on any of my story points in response to the simplest of questions. Think Kelly Bundy. I can hear the train wreck a commin'.

I love my sister and wish her the best, I don't want her to look like a fool and hope she just dumped my responses and came up with her own story. Ah who am I kidding, I think it's hilarious but won't be too humiliating. Really, you've got to be clear on your communication if I'm to help you out! I'm on the edge of my seat to hear how it ended. Stay tuned.


I hope it turned out OK.

I still think back to when Cookie Crisp had a sorcerer character name "Cookie Jarvis" as it's mascot in the early 80's, just before the Cookie Cop and Crook came along, then Chip the dog, and now with the wolf. I'm only surprised they're still using mascots at all given the way the atmosphere in advertising these products have changed gradually over the past few decades.
It's been so long I don't quite recall how it turned out. I'm certain that my worst fears did not occur and that it went off almost without incident.

I do remember Cookie Jarvis as well as King Vitamin, Quisp and Booberry.
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