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Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Two In One

Part the First

Motherfucker! I leave my power cord at the office one night and it appears a mouse ate it.

Mouse Food

I don't have proof this happened at the office. However, I do take my computer to work every day and bring it home every night where I plug it back in. I think I would have noticed a tear beginning in my cord. Plus (and this is very important), I coil my cord, I don't wrap it, and I have done so for over a year since I learned that wrapping fucks up the cord. But my office has probably miles of cables and cords and no other cables around have been gnawed. I think all my coiling rubbed off some tasty, tasty hand cheese which attracted the little rodent, while all the other cables are untouched.

The real bummer is this: there are only 3 stores in St. Louis where I can buy an Apple Power Cord. 3! And none of them have the item in stock.

The upside is: my company may buy me a new one. They cost 80 bucks.

Part the Second.

I stumbled on this extra sappy piece of "wisdom" this morning over cereal:

Tendering My Resignation
Author Unknown

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it is a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle, skid rocks across the mill pond and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to roller skate and play ball in the street, play 'Rover Red Rover', 'Hide and Seek' and ride my iron wheel wagon down the hill.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all I knew were colors, most of my multiplication tables, and a few nursery rhymes. All I knew was to be happy and I was blissfully unaware of all the things that should make me worried or upset.

I want to sleep in a tent in the back yard without worry or fear.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor's bills, gossip, illness, and the loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, kind words, truth, justice, peace, dreams, imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So here is my check book and my car keys, my credit card bills and all my statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause...

TAG! YOU'RE IT!


I thought I would snark it up line by line because, well, because I'm compelled to by my hatred of this sappy shit.

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.

I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again.


Just remember 8 year olds don't have sex. Really I could end it right here with that argument.
Ok, you can resign and go suckle at some imaginary parent's teat, but you aren't allowed to have sex ever again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.

It is a four star resaurant, if by "star" you mean "heart valve" and "resaurant" you mean "clogged". Good luck with that Antibiotic-resistant Staph infection you'll pick up in the play area.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
Ain't nobody stopping you.

I want to think M&M's are better than money because you can eat them.
With money you can buy LOTS of M&Ms whenever you want. FYI...you can eat money. I just wouldn't advise it.

I want to lie under a big tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

Look, you can't lie under the tree AND run a lemonade stand. Who's going to do the work if you're lazing about you bum? Your friends? They're giving the shit away and having water balloon fights while you goof off.

I want to return to a time when life was simple.

Ah yes. Those days before personal computers way; back when you had to ask permission to use the bathroom, or were you thinking back to horse and carriage/kids working in a textile mill days? Yep, the "Good Ole Days" when life expectancy was 50...if you were lucky.

When all you knew was colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes,
but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.


Huh? Look, I knew a guy who was in a triad relationship and was more thrilled to watch Sesame Street on Noggin because Mr. Hooper was on it, than to watch his wife and her girlfriend get it on. Is that what you're talking about?

All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

Ohhhh. Yeah, willful ignorance makes you easier to lead around by the nose. Maybe that's why you want to think McDonald's is a four star restaurant. You want to be a shill.

I want to think the world is fair.

We actually learn this before we can even really reason. This is why babies lie.

That everyone is honest and good.

You won't hear me say this often, but I do believe this: for the most part, the majority of the 4.5 billion of us are generally are honest and good (except for those lying babies). As for the rest, learn to discern who they are and keep away from those that you can. Unless you're 8. Then it's ok to go off with the first stranger to offer you candy.

I want to believe that anything is possible.

And it is if you're a wealthy, white American Male. Come on, what kind of idiot are you? I this wasn't true the first time I heard this and realized there was no way on earth that I could stretch my newly-discovered, magical penis for the length of a mile, or fly by force of will. You just have to remember that while "anything" isn't possible, a very high number of things are. Some really, really cool things.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

You know what rocks? A nice, solid dump. Poo is simple yet a surprisingly complex system worked behind the scenes to make it happen. You should grok on that.

I want to live simple again.

I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.


...and people you don't know sending you withering hatred for being a retard.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, justice, a kind word, truth, peace, dreams, love, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

free, free, hard work, free, medium effort with occasional repurcussions, very hard work, simple, depends which kind of love you're talking about: AGAPE, PHILEO, STORGE, and EROS...you can write off the last two because you're 8...these are adult loves, AGAPE is easy because you believe in "Magical Sky Man" it's the brotherly love PHILEO that's the hardest, especially when it's your brother who's slagging you online, imagination: easy, not sure what you mean, as easy as falling down.

So....here's my checkbook, my wallet, my car-keys, my credit cards and my 401K statements.

I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause,

"Tag! You're It."


Ok I'm It. And I'm just gonna sit down and draw while you run off to the Crazy House or the Homeless Shelter and live on the Government Cheese.

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