Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Try it, you'll like it.

I find my parking place in the stripmall near the house where I grew up. It's dark and snowing. I just drove in 20 miles from the city to get here before closing. I walk into the storefront, the first part of the place is lit with standard fluorescent lighting, the rest of the store behind the chinese partitions is black, but I can see the two rows of patrons lying in their bed in states of bliss.

What is this, some sort of Opium Den?

Pretty much. It's a MIGUN store. Or as I like to call it, "Magic Expensive Massage Table/Bed Store".

Once you get past the bullshit pseudoscience sales pitch, you realize it's an awsome device. You lie on the bed and the bed massages the shit out of your back with hot rocks. My Mom told Alessandra about this place, who in turn told me. When we went on Sunday, the only patrons in the store were Me, Alessandra, Mom and Alan and Alan's daughter Gale. I've been 4 times this week already, and it looks like I can get 5 days in next week.

Their sales technique is extremely soft touch. You can come in for 30 days and try it for free. Every day. 30 days of warm tactobliss. At that point, I think you are supposed to beg to own one...it costs $3,600 bucks.

The funny part is the claims they give it: that you lose weight just laying on it, that 1/2 hour is equivalent to 1hr of running and that it's been approved by the FDA as a Class II device, just like an MRI

I decided to look that last one up, and sure enough, it has been approved by the FDA. The classification though is really just hoop jumping. The FDA says essentially: We've looked at it, it does what they say it does and gives you a warm, vibrating massage." You know what else is Class II? Heating pads and hand vibrators.

Anyway, the story seemed much funnier in my head when I thought about it, but it's a great device and feels gooooooood.

Ah! That's what it was...Here I am laying on this decadent device knowing full well that there are probably billions of people out there living in total poverty. That's not so funny, but it would be nice to dream of a day when everyone is adequately clothed, fed, watered and getting the kinks worked out of their backs by the Magic Expensive Massage Table/Bed.

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Oooh, it's got Moxibustion! Will that enhance my moxie levels?
It sure will! But you will be bombarded by infrared radiation up to 7cm inside your flesh to do so.

Hey what smells like cooking chicken?

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