Monday, February 06, 2006

Media Fast: The Next Day

Geeze I couldn't wait to media up this morning, but I had to wait until 9am.

The revelation didn't come until 9pm, a full 12 hours after I started my day of zero media and nearly zero human contact.

It's amazing how long it takes the daily momentum to grind to a halt.

I spent my first 4.5 hours cleaning the house. Yes. Cleaning. The. House. I don't understand why it doesn't take 4.5 hours to mess it up. It only takes like 2 seconds. I had to run up to my office to get some medicine because I sneezed while cleaning the cat box and started ad muscle spasm in my back and I had to talk to the front desk guy, but it was no more than a few words.

Then I exercised and goofed around on the guitar on and off for a few hours. Took a nap, very important those naps. Oddly enough, with all that free time I still chose to make quick and dirty meals. No cooking for me. I didn't want to mess with it. I mean, come one, I just cleaned the fucking house.

I did jones hard for the Internet and several times I almost called the whole thing off.

During all this my thoughs just kind of knocked around not really about much, but around 8:30 or so I just sat on couch with 2 of the 3 cats in a "love chain", just staring at the ceiling.

I don't think too much about my past. In fact, I have no coherent picture of my childhood memories from gradeschool through college etc. I have no pictures from then and only 3 friends from college. My past is a mystery to myself, and I began to think about it.

And like the Near Death Experience, my Life flashed before my eyes...and a lot of it was ugly.

I won't bore you with a laundry list of my personal revelations, but there are issue that need to be adressed such as a a victim mentality, and what's in my toolbox of coping skills.

I learned that I need to piece together my history into a gestalt and look the events that shaped me as well as the choices I made (and mostly lack thereof), that led me these feelings powerlessness and learned helplessness. I learned that there is no such thing as a bad choice. We do the best we can, all the time, with the tools and behaviors we have at our disposal, and sometimes we make decisions which do not propel us towards long term happiness. We loop around and around.

I think that when I do this again, that the next time, I not do as much around the house. I got more out of that hour and a half than I did the rest of the day combined. I can go along with the suggestion that everyone take a complete day off from the rest of the world and just think. It did me a world of good.

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